BobbysTravelBlog.com

I just passed an unusually challenging few weeks. I never expected to lose someone stateside I was close to while I was over here. I was so unprepared for what to do, how to feel, what I would need. I did not know how I would deal, where I would try and pull the strength I need and how and from who and if I would make any mistakes doing it.

The good news is as far as my logistical decision, I have no regrets. Staying in Rome and doing what I did for the memory of my lost Aunt really was the thing to do and my other Aunt, My Aunt Sandy who is the other women in my life who is like my mother, a mother I do not have, has stayed even closer to me and we talk almost everyday and this, is more than I could ask for, I did not fail her, she still loves me and maybe we are now even closer, so really, a bad situation with alot of quick decision of the heart worked out for the best and I lost nothing on the family said, not that there is much left to lose.

As I speak more and more Italian, my italian friends are becoming closer and my non-Italian friends are growing distant. Not all, but some, some that I thought could never grow distant. The language was a huge challenge for me to truly make Italian friendships but as my language abilities increased so did the depth of my “foreign” friendships. And as hard as I am on this country for all of it’s limitations, I can say this - when you cards are down, there are no other people to understand you better than the Italians. There is, as my friend, an american women who also lives here, put it, a rawness to them, a sense of reality, unmasked, this is life and they don’t take your personal downness to their own life, They know to understand it and just go with the innate human sense to know what they have to do. Which is what I have learned to do here and a trait not found as many in Americans, or Anglo Saxons in general.

But all that being said, I still cannot meet the same level of closeness as quick as I can with another American. I still have over 36 years of american in me and only 2 years of Italian. Good news, culturally and food wise growing up in a very american italian culture, It is all very well known to me and a total comfort zone for what I I have known for my whole life even if there was an adjustment factor to take the american out of the italo-american.

At the same time, it was the people who I had no expectations for, to help me get through this time of confusion and emotion, that seemed to fare best. Then I was reading my book, “And Things Fall Apart” a book written by someone I had actually gone to highschool with and she quoted a line from another book written in the 50’s called “The Bell Jar”. In it the main character makes a very frank and poignant observation, oh so overly poingnant for that it is challenging me now. She says that in life if you have expections of everybody you know they will litmately fail you. The key is to have expections if any in reality, in the human reality, I think I agree with her, not because I want to, because a part of me fees that I should expect from others what I can expect from myself, but because this is reality and one thing I can’t deny is human reality. Why fight it when I already know the later solution, keeping expectations in check, is the ultimate solution to some peace and happiness within your life and relationships? You can spend alot of time trying to fight it the other way, trying to force people to met your expectations, but ultimately you will never end up ahead and with alot of time spent with hurt and disappointment - time and energy you could have been using in so many other better and positive ways.

I suppose it works the other way too - people in your life having epections of you and then being upset with you when you do not meed these expectations, and often these are people who could never return to you the expecations they want from you.Unfortunatel but true. To be honest, this is a brand new challenge for me and will be affecting some of the most dearest friendships to me I have stateside. These things are so new to me and so huge and in a lot way life altering and wil change my deicsion for my future, that I will need to time to process them, fell them, think them out and with the right people talk them out.

I have been waking up these mornings with a variety of physical aliments, from the constant nausea to random headaches. The emotional shock and toll of the lostness I am feeling emotionally and physically is taking a toll on me that I cannot deny. I am having a hard time motivating to do what is usually my sure fire way to work it out - the gym. Also, wine, my other vice, just burnt out on it. Cooking, not into it, seems more of a chore these days than not.  Maybe it is a good thing but it leaves me in a palce raw, lost, exposed. It does not help that my living situation here in Rome is a mess on to of it all. We had two british roomates with us (me and the other ameican) for a year and these were the two girls, that inadvertently through their negative bahaviors showed me the answers, the things I was looking for in my self. I saw it in somebody else for the first time. Needless to say the living situation and tenancy with them did not end well. I backed off and retreated as I knew I could never do anything to try to build a relationship with these girls who had more personal issues and insecurities than a whole team of doctors would know what to do with (not that I am not loaded with issues myself, but I tend to be very self aware and very aware of how my actions and feelings will effect others and I choose my actions accordingly and as fairly as I can, which is something these two girls had no ability to do whatsoever and I kept be effected by it until I finally hid, ran from the problem I could not fix in hope thing would change. I coul only control ad change msyelf and not change or control them.

And things did change. They moved. No goodbyes, no notice, just gone. I was so relieved this chapter in my journey here in Rome was over. Or at least I thought it was, but now they are back, well not in the apartment and I am forced to deal with their existence through other people and especially now, I really would prefer to have zero, even indirect contact with these people, I am afraid they are pissed not because of anything I did, because of what I did not do - I did not let them beat me down and treat me unfairly, so I stopped giving them the attention they seemed to so want and need. Anyways, now I wish they would just go away, even indirectly as I have no need whatsoever for this crap in my life. Let it go people, move on, I did. We had a replacement roommate in that we both knew, but she now backed out this month and I think the old british girls has something to do with it - now we must try and find someone new and I would hate to have a stranger - just your typical daily life challenges on top of the extrodinary challenges.

I could not sleep at all last night, as my brain decided to start going on over drive at about 2am even though my body was ready to end the day, to stop my mind felt impossible. My lonely heart could not put my brain at peace for anything. I tried all the tricks, but it was too late to pop a melatonin as that would have kept me asleep so much of the day today. My intention today was to do as i do to help me release these emotions - hit the gym. But I woke up and I just knew the gym was not going to do it. I went yesterday and felt sick the whole time. I did what I needed but it just isn’t giving me that sense of peace and release it usually does. And today, I just could not motivate. Last week I spent 3 days straight pretty much in bed, eating some, drinking some wine, anythng to try and find some guilty pleasure to get me through the down period. On Sunday I was convinced to pick my ass up and move on and I did as such and I still am, but searching for what I need t do to make the leap back into some kind of happy place. What will heal me? What will make me whole again? I am searching as all my old tricks, well they just are not working.

Who can I find comfort in? My friends who were like family stateside? yes, some have been very adult and understanding and have taken the time to ask how I am. But one, who I really really thought was my best friend seems to have failed me. There are very few times I am truly broken down like I am when someone dies that I truly cared about, and it has been years since the last time this happened, when my grandma passed and the before that my father passed  away. Death is nothing new for me, but it does not mean it hurts everytime and the sense of loss is always hard, especially when that person was a part of your regular life. But still when is happends, especially when it is a shock, I feel like  i need a big disclaimer - “NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN ACTION IN THIS PERIOD AS I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER WHAT I SAY OR DO OR FEEL FOR AT LEAST TWO WEEKS”

My mother will never be there for me, Yes, blood is thicker than water, and I am convinced of that, but not if the the blood is the cold type that is incapable of loving. Also the same goes for my sister, although I believe she could love me, maybe still does, but is just too messy to separate it all. As much as I know it is my family that would pull me through, I know there is nothing there to take. I also know my friends can never replace what my family has taken from me. Even my Itaian friend pointed this out, she is passing a hard time and said, alot of her friends failed her, but her family, with whom she has edgy relationships, came through. You just can’t replace family with friends. So where do I get the support I lost when I lost my family? Where do I build this support? If it ever becomes legal for me to marry and I have equal civil rights, can I build it in a legal family unit? Can I even do it, commit to it? Can I find somebody else who can? My world of relationship options is filled with alot of baggage, most of us my age growing up in a time where we couldn’t even say out loud who were were. I remember I was 19 before I would even utter the phrase “I am gay” out loud in a room, by myself. Before that I could not even say the words outloud, I was so horrified and ashamed of who I was, I had just hoped in time I would find my way, maybe in a straight world, keeping my little shameful secret about who I really was all to myself. Even though the road was hard, I am so glad I never took that road, the road of hising who I was from the world, and it is always an adventure forward always a new challenge living my live as who I am, a gay man, inall parts of my life personal and business. Slowly but surely I am rriving at a wholeness here, but there are still tehold demons which force me into hiding, make me shy away from being me, not often, they still happen, even to my own suprise.

Here I am, with a new challenge to figure out, but t be honst, I am freakign tired of this journey, I am ready for a break, no more, no more reality, no more facing my demons, I was to stop. iam technically so ready to leave here, but it seems the longer I force myself to stay, the more my life starts to gira in ways I never ever expected. I am actually sstill finding a reason to stay and the real reason, to stay at least until next march is it is cheaper for me to stay here than to return the USA. I return to the USA any earlier than next march would disrupt alot fo things financially and probably emotionally and cost me more than if I sucked it up and stuck it out. I know, I know, I hate when people say, yu are italy, you life should be perfect, Sure, but liek anything, ti gets old, and boring after you ahev done what you needed to do. I need a real joband a real relationship both of which I fel cannot be offered to me living here. Plus I did not organize my life stateside to be here really more than 2 years and to come back, iflife lead me back, I would need to make further changes and also decisions about what I want in my future for real. The land of thepope will never afford me an open relationship might as well a legal one where I can bring childreninto the family. And I would need to be creative in my joboppurtunties, whre could elverage my “americanism’ and make some kind of american level salary while lviing abroad. The good news is becasue of italian heritage I qualify for my italian passport, but there is alot of paperwork which will also ahve to be done stateside.

And more, what will the pciture of my life look like in light of the most recent event? Do I let is go and return like it never happend, or do I let it effect where i need to go in my life? At this point, I fel like I have been beat down like a dead hornse, as I say, even my ownmother is incapable of lving me, so if another person goes udner the bus, I think I can survive.

I am so incredibly satisfied with all that I have accomplished hre, and my god, saying I have NO regrets would be an absolute understatement. Amazing and I am so fortuante for it. But I am was so mot prepared for the recent events in my life and the challenges they are bringing with them and I am so nto prepared for what the future will bring as it seems to be changing daily now. I have never felt so blnd and so raw and so loast as teh same time. I take day by day hopign each day brings to me something, some new piece of enlightenmenttopuch me were I need to go. No family, wanging friendshis, is the life I really want? Is thelife I can really have? Or is her a true way for me to rebuild it in a way I never thought of?

I think the one thing I am goign to TRY and change, can’t say I can, is leave myself open for trying love no matter WHERE it happens. Ihavebeen avoiding it here like the plague, maybe more for the reason I was so burned last year than for any, but I am at a point where there in not a thing for me to lose, when you fell you have lost so much already, how much worse can it get? I can only hope there are bumps up from here and inmy heart, I know there will be, I have anough life expericnce to know whnat goes down will go up and I, presonally always bunce bck no amtter what situation I am in, Just sometimes it takes alot of time and the down part can be a real bitch.

I am jsut tired of beng alone, but willign to be alone and living in reality if that is what must be.

Writing, writing this today was my last bastion of finding an outlet, I hope it can be th trick to get me through this, figure this out. My other outlest of peasure, cooking, working out, food, and wine just aren’t cutting it. There is not expection of my wiriting other than that of myself, to reamain, true, raw, true to my heart and put on paaper what I really feel what i am going through notwithstanding anything else excpet my own humanness, the only thing i can say we all share as a race our humaniss and through this maybe I can find a way to my new future.

Let’s see where the very very dark unknowing raod takes me, hoping that my blindless allows my heart to lead me rather than my eyes to where I should be where I need to go next.

I am back on the pages, writing, doingmy best. I have no clue what I actually put on these 4 pages until i go back an reread it all.

Ciao for now.

October 11th, 2011 | Category: 2011 - Long term living in Rome | Leave a comment

October 5th, 2011 | Category: 2011 - Long term living in Rome | Comments (1)

I have been real hard on Rome lately, for the thing she lacks, the future she can not give me.

But today, she gave me something that hardly anybody can give - she lifted me in my time of need, she told me it would be ok and she made me know she was here for me to heal.

This is Rome, this is Italy. I know no other place that can take you in her arms and let you know, you will be ok, I know you are down and I am here while you heal. Thank you Rome and my friends here, in this healing place.

This is Rome. This is why I came here.

September 22nd, 2011 | Category: 2011 - Long term living in Rome | Leave a comment

I suppose when one sets on on a journey of life, a journey of discovery, one can not posible know where each step will lead, how the next step will reveal itself, or for that matter, where the ending point of the journey, at the the current portion, will be.

I had goals for this summer. I wanted to have fun. I did. I wanted to get to the beach more - I did. I wanted to improve my italian - I did, I think I doubled it just this summer, god knows how, but the course I took did help. I wanted to have some “adult fun” and this I finally did too. For a long time I could not be distracted or bothers with things like having fun, or even having sex. I was too wrapped up in figuring things out and so out of touch with the outside world around me that it was pointless to try and enjoy life like a normal person. But, that period passed and I arrived at a point this summer where I could finally enjoy my time here in Rome. Last summer I spent the majority of it working, and then passed my august alone, with both a bad sinus infection and finger infection and emotional confusion I was not ready for much of anything.

So now it is the end of the official roman summer, maybe a week or two left to pretend it is still summer and then the fall will be upon us. I accomplished so much this summer but failed to think about what I would do next after the summer was over. I am in the strangest of emotional places now that actually, I am partially feeling like my old self mixed in with the new self. I wondered if some of the old me would come back and I also wondered if I wanted it to come back, but I guess it is still there and yes, I feel the old me pushing itself back into my daily life. The old me - more outgoing, more agressive, more energetic. The old me - ambitious, thinking, talking, always pushing forward, never settling for neutral. I wondered if it was there and yes, you can change somethings, but there are certain things that are just you, just ingrained and you know what? Embrace it, make it work for the positive.

There so so many less challenges to my life here- language, friends, culture - it has all become normal to me so to say. I have built a comfort zone here and in the comfort zone I suppose, I just live more now rather than grow, and be challenged. My life here is starting to feel like my life was in the USA, just with a whole bunch of different external factors. The fact that have forged anough close friendships here give me a sense of attachement, a true sense of living here, likeI would have if I were in the USA. I can spend an evening with my italian friends getting through it in italian without a headache or stressing about it - just as I would spend an evening in english with my friends stateside. I mean, I set out this summer to create a fun life here, it took me a year to start to do that, but I did. Ok great, now I am having fun, but the summer is over, and I need to figure out what to do next.

I figured out so much - a lot about my obsessive, co-dependent personality, which, for all these years, I have no idea why I could not put my finger on it. I figured out why I think my Mom never could be supportive or loving to me, and why possible my sister fits in that same bracket. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I can live my life just cutting those people out of it, like my mom and sister, and finally arrived at the conclusion they should not be cut out, but how I am going to handle them when forced to be in contact with them is going to be a whole new ball game - no more old bobby, just trying to please and take punches back for it. I now punch back and then move on with my life.

So here I am, wondering why I am still here, on the other side of the world from where I came from - is there anything left here for me? What else can I possible journey to discover here? Love, no….the situation with roman heartbreaker was a fluke, As a matter of fact, the 9 months prior to leaving for Rome, I was dating on a regular basis in California. I figured if I found something or met someone worthwhile, I could postpone my trip to Italy - there were no set timelines or must do’s, my life was an open book. In other words, I was really open to go for something, to forge forward with somebody else stateside. But nothing gelled in California, I tried, and things just never gelled - it was fine, I am not forcing anything not meant to be. So I left for Rome….and Roman heartbreaker, who I met on my vacation here in 2008, was here to dig right into the opportunity. He was the wrong guy at the right time. I fell, I fell hard. And it failed hard too. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. I was all part of the things that have molded me and shaped me into the person I am and am becoming. Yes, it stalled my love life quite a while, over a year really, but that stall was vital for me to discover a whole bunch of other things in my life that needed to come out first, without distraction. Funny how these things happen, always for a reason it seems.

So here I am, also meeting people again (in the “love” <cough> sense) and realizing something I already knew - this is NOT the country for a relationship. I never came here for that at all and I kind of already knew that and every experience i have now only reinforces what I knew. I know I am hardly in shape to be a good partner yet, and I really I do not know if I ever will be, but I think the place for me to figure that part of my life out is stateside and definitely not here.

So that leaves me searching for reasons to stay. I mean, I have really put some comfortable roots here, in a home, friends, the language, the culture, the city - I should find some more ways to let it improve me and to use it to the max before the window of opportunity to be here no longer exists. I have been waking up lately freaked out, wondering why the f I am in Italy and why I am so far away from home. I have a mild panic attack feeling like maybe I am totally stuck and lost and far away from where I should be. My heart drops out of my chest and I have to pull myself together and remind myself I am ok here. Strange, after all this time here, that things like this can start happening. I knew that I would know the end of my journey when I felt it and I am definitely feeling signs, at least for this segment, but I have not given up hope and am giving myself time to let the future lay itself out as it is intended to. For now, I am just taking it day by day and trying to keep myself healthy in every way.

I have truly made a home here - on the other side of the world from where I came and I know, not how, but that it will be somehow, Rome, will be one of my homes always. So I commit myself to more time here, hoping a new window of growth and opportunity opens up. Time will tell.

Time for some cena (dinner) and hopefully a normal nights sleep.

Sleepless in Rome,

Bobby

September 6th, 2011 | Category: 2011 - Long term living in Rome | Leave a comment

It’s august again in Rome and I find myself alone in the big apartment with another chance to regroup and probably too much time to think to myself. Last year I spent my first august alone here pretty much infermed. Between a bad sinus infection followed by a real bad finger infection that sent me searching for the only doctor in Rome  not on vacation in August, I spent most of my time recovering from these, rather than using the time to have some fun and figure out what I am doing in life.

When I got back from California this year in March, I wondered, what was next, was I just to accept my life for what is is and move on? Was I ever going to enjoy my time here or was it going to be the ever challenging emotional journey and life growth experience. Now a few months later I see where it has brought me and so many more things are clearer and less clear at the same time.

For most of the summer, I finally started to have fun - I went to the beach often, made it a point to go out and enjoy Rome, spent a little money ( I had myself on such a strict budget before, it almost got too boring) and do everything I want to do here so if I have to leave I have no regrets. And I did. I had a number of visitors from the states in town, all of whom I enjoyed showing the city in which I live and love and I started hanging out with my Roman friends a lot more as now we have developed our friendships since I am at a point in Italian that I can roll through a night with them in their mother tongue.

But the biggest change, is that I coming alive again, I am reconnecting - it is wonderful, painful and stomach wrenching all at the same time. I wondered when this would happen, if I would ever feel passion about life again, if the numbness of my journey would wear off ever. And it is all real - nothing forced, it is just happening, but damn, along with all the good that comes, there are some other intense, not so positive feeling  hurt and anger. I finally realized what I had been doing here - I literally used this as an opportunity to drop out- to drop out of life as I knew it, to take a break and figure things out. I was gone, away in every sense for maybe like a year and a half and now I am on the return track back to reality.

Especially now, that I am alone, solitary with lot of time to think, I am going through some very very very down moments where i feel lost, hurt, upset, angry, and very very alone, like I just want to melt into the ground and come back when it is all over. I passed a few fun months which culminated with a great vacation in the south of Italy which I did with a good friend of mine. That was the climax of the fun. But now that is over and she is gone and I do not know what is next. I do know though a bit more of how I am gonna handle the situations surrounding my life, my mother, my sister, my family and all my feelings surrounding them

For the past couple years I was trying to force myself to accept them as dead, to try and make my life whole again as if they never existed, But now I realize that is not possible nor is it the best way for me to move forward. Why? Cause they do exist, they live and they will be around for a while. Even more, cause I am still loaded with feelings over all that has happened over the years, so many feelings that I can’t just box them up and put them away for long term storage. No, I can not do that. What will change is that I will leave the door open to future contact, not close that door. And if that door opens it will be met with a while new me, somebody who won’t accept being treated badly, or made feel worthless or used like an emotional pawn. For years, I would never ever disrespect my mother, the worse that I would do is occasionally hang up on her when it got to be too much. Or walk in the other room. If I did try and tell her how I felt it was immediately dismissed. But now, no more. If for some reason contact is made, I will make it known how I feel and I think I should be treated. No more protecting everybody else from my feelings. I will of course try and do these things in a constructive way, but always walking away from the punches is not constructive for my emotional health.

This makes my life more fluid, and takes the pressure off of me to find a way to live with absolute resolution and makes this journey a lot more open and flexible. And to be honest, it is the only realistic and healthy solution, Sometimes you gotta go down the wrong road first to find the right one.

I am finally putting myself out there in the world of sex and love. Finally I am at a point where I can enjoy it, where I am connected a bit again. But I have no idea what i am ready for, I still have a big hand up protecting myself from anything too serious, especially in this country. Italy is a lot of things to me, but I do not think it is the place for me to build a relationship and potentially have the family I want. The culture, the laws, everything do not support it. This is huge and I am not sure how this will work on my last leg of my journey here and I think I will be at a point to have some companionship cause really, being alone all the time does suck, but it sure did serve it purpose. And roman heart breaker? who??? It was just a matter of time before really, this went into the archive of the past.

Today is Tuesday, August 23^rd, 2011, Roma. I think back to a year ago and it seems like 10 years ago to me, I have changed so much I am not even sure what I was like a year ago. I do miss it - with so much unknown ahead, so many challenges ahead, I had everything ahead of me and it was scary and exciting. Now I feel like I am at the plateau or perhaps the final stretch of this portion of my life journey. I am not sure what else I have left for me here to make myself move forward, But since it is so unknown I am going to give it time and allow some direction to hopefully surface. The reality of the fact is I have a great set up here, living arrangement, financially, and otherwise. One that might be hard to leave and re-replicate easy. Plus I do want to become more fluent in the italian language and no better place to do it than the mother country. I can survive here easy. I miss my friends dearly stateside and I am sure they are confused why I am not back yet, but I always try and explain it to them as best as I can, why I remain in Rome,  and of course they will all be there when I return and this I know. We will all just be a bit older, a bit wiser about our reunion. I am sure to always remind them I am thinking of them (which I do often) and that I will see them soon.

So now I am just letting it all go, letting myself ride the emotions that have been inside me all this time. Yes, it brings me to some scary places but then I bounce back to a better place and move forward as I start to reattach my heart to my life and to my reality , to those around me, and deal with the pains and growth that is coming with it.

Dying from the 100 degree heat in rome,

Bobby

August 23rd, 2011 | Category: 2011 - Long term living in Rome | Leave a comment

It really has been forever since I have blogged. I guess now that life here is my one life I am not as driven to put to paper my daily routine, because even though it is so vastly different from the life in America, that it is what it is - routine. But yet, my journey continues in full force with so many angles, so many ups and down I am not eve sure where to start but I will try cause this is part of the journey I do not want to forget.

Most of my time her in Italy for the first year was spent in sort of a fog, having now clue what the journey was about or where i was going,  I just knew I HAD to be on it, or I could not move forward with my life. Really up to last march, I could almost say I was in a cocoon of sorts as I spent most of my time hiding out, tring to figure out what exactly happened in my life to get me to where i was at that moment. And then it happened, answers and explanations started clicked, years after that fact, but better late then never.

And there I was in April of this year, wondering what is next. Am I suppose to go through and anger stage? When does that happen? Or do i just cruise into the peaceful time, where I can move forward? When am I going to start having fun? When do I get to really enjoy this life here in Rome? How do I enjoy my life here, what must I do? Am I just too scared to get angry and that is why it is not happening? There were so many unanswered quests, and I guess as with anything, I just had to wait.

I started to separate myself rom the cocoon life I created here and the people who were involved, r again wiping my slate clean and starting anew - but to move yourself forward, it seems that is what needs to be done. There were a couple people who came into my life, that I held onto here, and I am so glad I did. I made it a point to get myself back in shape, start working on some business ideas, improve my italian and create a budget that allows me to go out more. Most people don;t realize but I want from a 6 figure high executive lifestyle to living on about 18K euros a year - and I think, even though I see more lows that I ever did, I am more happy now - I am more real, in touch with myself an the people i my life are real - are there purely for the relationship. I keep it clean this way, money does not muddle up me or my self worth and it allows me so much freedom to “drift” even longer before I move into a stage of life where I won;t be able to drift, i;e fatherhood.

In May I just stated putting myself out there. Making plans to go out with my Italian friends, even though my italian was not as advance as I wanted it. Going to the beach. Allowing myself one or two night out to dinner a week with friends. And that just got the momentum moving int he direction it needed. Finally, I was having some fun again, enjoying this part of the journey especially now that is on the verge of the hot roman summer and I refused to let it pass me by this year, the way I did last year as I hid from the world.

I used to be a guy who had to have everybody like me, I would lay awake at night and worry if somebody did not like me. Now, I try and be fair to everybody, but it is ok if somebody does not like me - as long as I did not o them wrong, then there is nothing I can do to control who likes me and who doesn’t. It is a beautiful thing to live this way Takes a hell of a lot of courage, and you have to get used to it - but once you are there, my god, your life just seems to go int he right direction. Every now in then I have to reground myself, as the old me starts to rear it ugly head, but as time moves forward that ugly head stays farther and farther away.

Since May I have established closer friendships here in Rome (although, it is still clear to me that my friends back stateside can and will never be replaced, it is jsut impossible and I know this). I am not searching for something new, to replace anything back stateside, I jsut realized that I have been here a while and not sure how long I will be here more, but I need to put myself out there and set some roots here.

So bottom line is, I am pissed, I am scared, I am no longer going to take all the punches and walk away smiling. I have even tried the “low” road after so much time on the high road. It was fun and scary at the same time and I learned a lot about people and how the react from it. Thankfully I did not blow up anything too bad and now I am balancing out somewhere on the middle road and hopefully I can find a good place to stay on that road. So no more letting people hit me in the gut whenever, it is important I am able to say my mind in an appropriate way - important that I get it out so I can move on. All this time I have been trying to move on without getting it out - have been trying to get it out in other outlets, like the gym, study, life…..but there is nothing better than good old fashioned letting em have it and moving on.

My uncle passed away a month ago and amongst the many issues this brings up, I knew there was a change I would be forced into contact with my sister if not my mother too. I tried to keep all communications in a circle through my aunt and it worked for a while. It was my father;’s brother who dies, he is with no family just my sister and me as next of kin and his cousins.

I decided to not fly into chicago for the services and this I might go into further in another blog, but for me, it was freeing to not have to play the role of the saving guy who comes and always takes care of everything. My uncle really never did anything for me my whole life and likewise I really did not have to do much for him. We weren’t really close, our strongest tie being my father and his last name the same as mine.

My sister of course failed to do anything to help out with some of his affairs and a neighbor of our uncle started selling off family heirlooms. that cracked me…I sent my fist scud to her telling her to get her ass in gear and get on this situation and grow up. That resulted in 6 or 7 ridiculous scuds back which where then followed by a couple emails telling her it was about time she took some adult responsibility and telling her my life has improved without her in it and I am glada it is as such. WOW. I said that????

I mean, I could hardly believe what was happening - I was telling her how I felt even if I knew she did not want to hear it? It was a nerve racking experience, but after, I felt my first step of freedom, mu first step back to becoming whole again and living my lie inside my body.

I am finally starting to connect my past with my present and my present with my future - I  really am coming full circle; back to being whole again - except this time in a much more healthy, put together, real way.

Now, for my mother…..

Ciao from Roma,

Bobby

July 24th, 2011 | Category: 2011 - Long term living in Rome | Leave a comment

I have passed so many periods here where I have wondered what the f am I still doing here, why don’t I just leave and go back to a routine life in the USA? I was only supposed to messing around for 3 years and here I am in year 5, still trying to get to some point where I feel it is ok to let myself fall into some routine, some daily life where I am not forced to battle my demons daily, not forced to deal with all those things inside of me that a busy life doing other things would help me avoid so nicely.

Here I am, stuck in my Rome, in the place that started massive changes in my life in the last half of 2008 and has yet to stop. I guess undoing over 25 years of a life living outside my body, not knowing how to be me, not knowing how to heal myself, free myself of the things and people that were holding me back, has taken a lot longer then 3 years to do. Why I thought at the beginning of my journey that somehow magically it should fix itself in three years and then I could move on, I will never know. However, the fact that is amazing is that I found my path forward, and I found it almost on accident. One thing that was meant to be something else (my first time here in Rome) turned into a whole different thing – so in that respect I am lucky – I just stumbled upon the catalyst to my path forward, a catalyst many people never have the time, resources or luck to find – so in all these regards I consider myself very fortunate.

I was invited to spend a few days down in Sicily last week with a American/Sicilian friend and her family who hosted me. It was so interesting to be in a true family environment, one that is in tact, albeit full of all the intricacies a life long family brings, but still it is in tact and it functions. They were not my family, but it brought back something to me that I feel I have lost a while ago – that sense of being in a family unit – and even thought not my family, I got a taste of that feeling of being part of a family again. They gave me something so profound without knowing it – the comfort of being in a family unit. It was only couple short days I was there, but I loved it – from the countryside and mountains of Sicily to the people I was with and I know I can never explain what my time with them meant. It also gave me some light into what I might need to heal, to become whole again.

I have accepted that my mother will probably never be able to be the mother I need or want and while I know in my head and heart she does not hate me – I do know and am accepting that she is not capable of loving me as her son, giving me the love a mother should, a love that I want and need. I don’t fault her for this it is just who she is, but at the same time I can not actively give love to somebody who can not give it back to me. While deep down in my heart of hearts I will always love my mother dearly with all my heart, I know she cannot return this and I must move on with my life. In a lot of ways I am accepting her as dead, letting her go now….learning to live as if she is gone. It sucks and is such an unusual process to go through being that I know she is still really there alive and existing. I went through he actual death process of a parent, the real thing, when my father passed in 2003, so I know what losing a prent feels like to death and a lot of what I am feeling with the loss of my mom is as if she has died. I am learning to live with no alive parents, and for now, no alive sister – very little family accept for a few autns and cousins who remain out there for me, but still it is not the prominent family I used to live for, dote on whenever I could. From this time in Italy, what turned out to be a time of healing recently in Sicily, being amongst a family, albeit the family of someone else, I realized that no matter how I try to live alone, I need to find some family unit to be in my life, even if it can not be my own.

I have no idea where when or how I might find this family, or even if it might be my own, with my own spouse and child, but somehow I hope I find a way to find it, to be the person that be successful in this new family situation rather than the failed one I am missing now. Maybe I can find a family that will “adopt” me in some way, I don’t need anything special, just let me hang out with you when you want me around - that is all I need and I will be great. Who knows how this might manifest itself, but I hope it does, and if not, I will have to cope with out it.

It is June 1rst. I just passed my second birthday in a row here in Rome. 39 years old. When did that happen? In a lot of ways I am relived I spent the past few months saying I am almost 29 rather than saying 38, oh well, now I really am 39. I feel like yesterday I was 36, 34, even 32. But when I think of the person who I was then, who I was inside and out and see pictures of my life then, it seems unreal, so distant and almost hurtful – I was so not myself, I was not even close to the person I wanted to be. I am still not, but all those things I wanted for me back then are at least in process now.

More to come from the start of another hot Roman summer.

Healing in Rome, finding my way forward.

me

June 1st, 2011 | Category: 2011 - Long term living in Rome | Leave a comment

I just passed one of the best weekends I have ever had here in Rome. It was Easter weekend, nonetheless in the world capital of “Easter”. I started the weekend by going out for my first Mexican meal in Rome ever. Now I have had Sushi, Chinese and Indian food here I Rome, but never Mexican food – my god, Mexican food in Rome? Are there even any Mexicans here?? Coming from San Diego and being in Mexico often, I consider myself somewhat picky when it comes to good Mexican food. This restaurant was a first try for both my American friend and me. We arrived to an almost empty restaurant wondering if they were even open. It was 9pm on a Saturday night and that is usually the main hour when romans start their dinners. We were asked if we had a reservation, and like good romans, we did not. The Italian staff seems a bit flustered for a moment but then they found us a nice table for two. We got our menus, trying to mix the Spanish words into Italian language. Within 30 minutes, we knew why we were asked for reservations – the place was filled to capacity and then some!

The restaurant is located in Roman neighborhood not too far from the Vatican. And the verdict? It was awesome! In my opinion, it rivaled the food I have had in Mexico – but what made it so good was the element that makes Italian food so good – everything that it was prepared with was so fresh and preservative free. I guess I can’t say that about authentic Mexican food – they have taken too many hints from American and added too many preservatives to their food also. We had quesadillas, Fajitas, flan and even sangria. The place started getting crazy by the end of the night, with salsa dancing, birthday tequila shots and everything a good Mexican party should consist of. I have to say, this is the most impressed I have ever been with a foreign food restaurant in Rome and I can’t wait to do it again.

I’ve made it point to branch my life out here in Rome, give it a good hoorah and see where it leads me. Like I said when I arrived back here in March from the states, I was not expecting the overwhelming feeling of home that I had had here and I must give it my all to see where it leads me, even if other factors might decide my fate for me.

On Sunday, Pasqua (Easter) I took an hour and a half metro, train and bus ride to the northern part of Lazio, the region in which Rome is located. I went up there to a friends house for Easter lunch. The Italians do a traditional early but HUGE lunch on Easter Sunday. My friend’s house is located on a large lake in the region called Lake Bracciano. I found my way easy there, as these days, well, I know how to get around Rome and Italy quite well not to mention thankfully I have enough Italian language ability to pretty find out what I need whenever I want.

I arrived a bit earlier than expected at my friend house as there was only one train an hour going up that way. I took my extra time as time to explore the lake side and the medieval town center and practice taking panoramic pictures of the blossoming Italian countryside and lake in spring. Even though one other person there was American (who has lived here in Rome for 30 years now nonetheless) we stuck with Italian all day. Everybody else was Italian and well, time for me to start rolling like an Italian – and you know what? I did ok for some American immigrant dude. I just opened my mouth, my mind and my ears and I was able to get along with, I would say, 80% of everything – not for 10 minutes or even a half hour, but we are talking hours. The lunch consisted of 4 or 5 courses of my god, everything Italian, from lasagna, to Easter breads, to lamb – it was a perfect Pasqua in my book – relaxing, beautiful scenery, great company and excellent food. I got home at a reasonable hour as the next day – Pasquetta, easter Monday, is just as big a holiday in Italy as Easter and I had another event to go to.

On Monday it was a BBQ (Italian BBQ for this particular holiday is the tradition). I went with another American friend, again to the northern part of Lazio, this time to the remote countryside home of a mutual friend where were met by at least 40 guests and a lot of food and wine. It ended up being a very, very long day going from noon time until well into the dark hours of the night and another day where I just spoke and listened to Italian – I was even telling an Italian lady a story, and she speaks English quite well, but I just kept falling back into Italian, because it was easier at that moment as I was thinking in italian and her sister was also participating and she spoke Italian better than English. After a long day of great food, great wine and a lot of Roman culture, we headed homes in Rome on our usual two trains, 2 metros and a bus trek back and through the city.

So yes, when life is good in Italy, life is REALLY good. That was a big battle here for a while, it seems to be full of real high highs and real low lows. Right now I am sitting at the cafe in the piazza by my house as I write this and because I am in here almost every day, they have decided that I look hungry or something and keep bringing me out Italian munchies to eat! I just asked them in Italian if they want me to get fat? (voui che mi ingrasso??) But of course they laughed- like I always said this countries actually appreciates vanity. It is these small moments that make me fall in love with this country over and over again.

Easter was a week and a half ago. I spent a quite weekend last weekend at home – not spending money or energy (I am not 25 anymore). Starting this upcoming weekend I have a number of friends in town, from other parts of Europe or America and a number of fun things to attend, so this all will definitely take a lot of energy, added calories of food and money. I am still coasting without a regular income thee days so I am trying to be careful when I can.

And that brings me to the thing that might be the deciding point for me to end at least this portion of my time on this amazing journey – work – not just any work – but I work that I want to do that I am good at and that I can be compensated fairly for.

When I was in San Diego in march, I did a handful of interesting business events, putting me back in front of the serious mover and shaker business community of SoCal for the first time in a long time. And you know what? It was like riding a bike for me – I just fell into it like I had been doing it all this time – and really, I suppose with all the years I did do it, it should be second nature to me – business that is – understanding how to run and fix and grow companies. And another thing – I actually enjoy it - I enjoy it I think because it is one of the few things in my life I know I can be good at. The problem before, in my career, is that I was obsessive, unbalanced…used it as a crutch to avoid the rest of my life and the rest of myself. Eventually that lead to my complete and total burnout – and enough financial stability to finally take some freedom I worked so hard for and sacrificed a lot to obtain.

It has been 4 years since I have been in the “game” and I am back, I am ready to take on a new challenge, but with the new me – a more balanced me that maybe can do this while having my cake and eating it too. Be successful in what I like to do without burning myself out – Be successful with balancing my personal life needs. It might be somewhat of an adjustment for any colleagues with whom I have worked in the past They could have become used to the guy who would never say no. I know these days how to say no, when I can’t do it, or just plain don’t want to and it is not required. That said, I have started busying myself with a few projects trying to see what takes root first and what might fit – including one close to my heart – an Italian wine import company – I already have my brand, strategy and just enough contacts on both sides of the globe to make it a reality – but there is much more due diligence to be done, as well as more soul searching within me to make sure I am ready for this commitment to a new business. But still it is a positive direction forward.

It seems to be always when things start to look up and thins start to move forward when you get hit with a number of challenges. How would you know the good things if it weren’t for the tough challenges? There are a few things, for another blog that have hit me recently – one of which is managing the impending death of my uncle, my dad’s brother, who was never married nor had kids and that makes me – the next of kin. I last saw him in Chicago before I departed for Italy the first time last year. At the time I couldn’t tell him how long I was going to be here as it was a complete unknown and to be honest, still is. I have only seen him maybe 10 times in the past 25 years. The last couple years, as he knew he was terminally ill, he kept apologizing tome for something….I could never make it out, but I figured it out – he was apologizing for never being there for me and my sister when we had no one as kids – when my mother and father were unable to parent because of their problems and we were left alone at a very young age (13 and 11)– he did nothing – it was my grandmother, my mom’s mom who finally stepped in to help until I was old enough to drive and get a job and take over on my own for there. I told him not to worry and I did not know what he was talking about but know I do. Anyways, it brings up a lot of challenges, for what I need to do for him now, with the new me, and what I want to do how I want to handle it and how I can do it, have no regrets, do right by him and not look like an asshole.

I am relishing in a great moment a I chill out in my local café writing about some really great things that I will always be so appreciative for and want to remember always, even when they become a faded memory, only recollected by the pictures I took and even more - this blog that I wrote.

I love living in positivity and sharing the positive aspects of life whenever I possibly can.

Buonanotte a tutti e sognate d’oro.

May 6th, 2011 | Category: 2011 - Long term living in Rome | Leave a comment

Negativity is contagious and sometimes you don’t realize how much it can be surrounding you until it is too late.

How many times does one’s life need to blow up before one does it right? How many times does one have to bring the wrong people in their life until the right people come? When is the time to step back and say, “it is definitely all me and not them?” Why can’t the right road ahead come to one when one needs it? My god, I am not sure how much strength I have left in me to survive another change of life.

I am absolutely horrible at negative energy. As a matter of fact, if I am put in a negative environment, it is only matter of days before it starts to take a toll on me physically. I can see it everywhere, especially in my face – everything just seems to sag. And I appear to have aged 10 years. And now, when I feel like I hardly have anything left, I still can not convince myself to keep negative around me for the sake of having something over having nothing.

I came to Italy not on some romantic vacation, not on some eat, pray love magical life fix in 4 months (I know, I know, everybody compares my story a bit to eat, pray love, and really, in some small part, it is, I am trying to find something out about myself, but the big difference, the biggest thing I learned so far, is that t is impossible to do it (as in the book) in 4 months and hold on to it, and really, impossible to do even in year….who knows how long it really takes to make a meaningful change in ones life, I am still on that road). I am here, trying to fix me, trying to become who I want to be, trying to figure out how me and my life needs to look to be that person. But it seems never to be an easy road, For every advance, there seems to be big speed bump. For every good day, there seems to be a bad day. But really, I can say this to be true: whenever I look back on the periods where I struggled the most, I almost get a feeling of nostalgia, because it was those periods, that I was the most raw, I was vulnerable and I grew the most. I suppose one can get addicted to “growing”, it can be an a amazing adventure, but one can not always live a life that intensive all the time, it is just not humanly possible – as with everything there needs to be plateaus. The problem I think I am having now is finding where I can live my plateau without stepping back, when I want to. With so few people in my life that I know truly care about me, especially here in Italy, it is hard to wrap myself up in something that feels comfortable for a while in order to take a break from the realty of living abroad in a country where I seem to feel completely exposed and vulnerable almost everyday.

My god, Roma. What a city. Why do a stay when things seems always to challenge me? The one thing I have already learned about life – anything good, truly good and worthwhile, is never easy. But I also learned the things that are good but not easy, tend to be the most rewarding in the end. So this is one thing that can give me hope and a light to a better end. I suppose what I am looking for is connection, love, I don’t know. What is it? What are the most basic human needs and when does one needs to compromise these for what one wants?

I finally figured out, after 25 years of trying to be the best son and an ok brother why my mother and my sister hate me. For so long it made no sense to me – I mean, I am and was far from the perfect son and brother, but I always tried to very hard to please, especially my mother and often these efforts were met with dissatisfaction and degrading comments, always making me feel bad and lower than I really was.

Just in, maybe it was February, I was able to step out of my own body and mind and start to see myself and my life for really what it is, and then it hit me – so simple and obvious, but I never saw it for 25 years because I always truly believed in myself - if I was a good person and I gave everything I had, my mother and my sister just had to love me. But the reality was unfortunately not such.

My father, god rest his soul, was a very, very bad man for many years and I almost hate to write that, it hurts to write that, but fuck it, it is the truth (yes I just used the f word)– I have done some bad things myself and one can not move past those things until one has accepted them as reality. Not sure why my mother married my father but he cheated on her before they were married, god, I can not even write the rest, he is still my father, but let’s put it this way, it covers almost everything that someone might see in a really bad abused woman and family movie. My most youthful memories, the only ones I have, from when I was 4 or 5 are trying to make my parents stop hurting each other in everyway – enough said, I am so not comfortable writing this, I feel like I am sinning, making a grave mistake, publicizing these seemingly too personal events in my life, and I do not know why it bothers me so much. But maybe this is part of my healing, this part of moving forward for me, something journals are meant to be, private, but for some reason I don’t mind sharing, I mean, I do always edit, and am sure to try and keep things in some moderation For me, this seems to work – and this is something I definitely need to move forward on or I will never make it to where i want to be.

The women in my life never ever got to take out anything back on my dad really – he never was there to have it out on him and then he died early of cancer. I am the only male product of my father and as much as I look like my mother and my mother’s mother, I am still the son, the physical product my father, the closest living thing to him. And I was there, I was exposed and available virtually 24 hours a day, every day in some effort to try and win some unconditional love from my mother and my sister. But what I got back was long built resentment, hurt and hatred, not toward me, but my father, from people who did not have the emotional maturity to separate the two – me from my father. The reason I never figured this out is because in my mind I knew I was not at all like my father, as a matter of fact, I could not have been more opposite. So when I would get mean comments about me and how I was just like my father, I always blew them off because I thought I knew better, and they knew better too. But I was wrong and to this day, I believe my mother and sister hate me for these reasons.

This is probably why it is so easy my mother and sister to remain out of contact with me – I have not spoken to my mother in a year and a half and not spoken to my sister in 2 years. I have not seen either in over 2 and one half years. I want my family - I want to have my family in my life so very bad, but…

I am still in contact with all the rest of my family, my mom’s sisters, my cousins, everybody except my mother and my sister. Maybe they all saw it, maybe they saw something that took me 25 years to see myself – people can be like that – they see it but can seem to communicate it outward to the person affected, me, and it is ok – because me seeing it on my own is the best way to see it – and me knowing that they all still want me in their life, my family outside my mother and sister – that means just as much.

That all being said, I have no idea how I really should process this all, I mean I am accepting that my mother and my sister, probably can and will never come back in my life as they themselves will probably never see the past how I have seen it - I will always be a product of my father to them and they will always hate me for it, whether they realize it or not – it is just life. It is definitely not fair at all, but it is what it is and I must accept it and find my road in life without them and some happiness amid it. As horribly angry and hurt as I am about this situation, I am not saying my mom and sister are bad people, they just don’t have they ability to see me as me. And I need t accept that – and also I need to accept that it does not mean I need to be abused on a daily basis because of it. So now I must learn to deal with the immense anger and hurt because of it (25 years ??? How does one absorb that? What does one do? How long can it actually take to move past it, if not forever?. This is my new journey – the first part was about discovery –and I think this part is about healing an moving forward – and I hope I can do it – no matter how many books I read, none will be enough to comfort my broken heart – only I can do that and only other people in my life who I care about and care about me can help me do that.

I know the new road ahead is long – who knew this would be the discovery I would make - I sure didn’t or I would have started the healing process along time ago. I am sure someone special in my life would help so much, but I don’t think I am ready – I have to say, I have moved to the next stage over the roman heartbreaker, where I don’t really feel as much hurt by him, just a bit pissed off, but still I need time t get over it and get over the hurt and anger by the reality of my family situation. I have had my heart broken before in a romantic way, so I kind of know the process, but this time it is compounded with the realization of my family situation and that I might really, with no hope of getting my family back, have to push forward on my own – at 38 years old, I am moving forward with out the backwards sick comfort I use to take in trying t be the best son and brother I could be. But you know what, I will be better because of it – I think if it were not like this I would be stuck in a spinning wheel of nothingness waiting for someone to save me when really the only person that can every save me is me.

You don’t always get what you want, but you always get what you need.

This is probably one of the most truthful, hurtful, scary (and a bit crazy) bog I have every written bit it might also be one of the most healing – only time will tell.

Healing in Rome.

Bobby

April 4th, 2011 | Category: 2011 - Long term living in Rome | Leave a comment